Well, on an overheated Saturday afternoon in mid-June, I found myself thinking about the internet and jealousy after starting to watch some “Alpha Beta Gamer” gameplay footage (Warning – Flickering images, cartoon blood, horror imagery) of the beta demo of a really cool-looking modern indie survival horror game called “SSR Wives: The Murder Of My Winter Crush”.
This game demo seemed like EXACTLY my sort of thing – with PS1-style graphics that would probably run on my PC’s early-mid 2010s integrated graphics, classic 1990s-style “fixed camera angles”, a grungy “Silent Hill” (1999) inspired setting to explore, lots of dramatic chiaroscuro lighting etc…. About the only criticism I had of the footage I saw was that the rat-monsters near the beginning looked more adorable than fearsome, but maybe this was the point – maybe you are supposed to feel bad about fighting them? Anyway, I REALLY wanted to play this demo…
(Click for larger image) Seriously, this indie horror game demo footage looks REALLY cool! I should absolutely play this, but….
… but then I learnt that it was only on the *ugh* DRM-service “Steam”. Whilst I used to use this “Log in to let us give you permission to play the games you bought” service between about 2008-2015, I’ve made a point of only buying or playing games which don’t have online DRM since then (except browser games).
Because, if you buy a game, you should own what you purchased. Because online DRM treats honest customers like criminal suspects. Because, if the game doesn’t need an online connection – for multiplayer – then it shouldn’t have one. And this meant that I couldn’t play this demo without feeling like I’d betrayed myself. And I started to feel jealous of the people who don’t have these long-standing principles, but then I noticed the sheer paradox of all of this.
Because the internet is a place where you get to see people playing cool games which you cannot play for one reason or another, people having the courage to express themselves in ways that you don’t, people visiting cool places that you’ll probably never get round to going to, people who are more skilled at every hobby you have than you are etc… If you aren’t careful, it can be easy to compare yourself to everyone on the internet and be filled with bitter jealousy.
But, on the other hand, all of this stuff expands your understanding of the world. It shows you that there ARE cool games out there, that cool places exist, that it isn’t impossible to be “the person you really want to be”, that if you practice your art or guitar or whatever then you might eventually be as good as the people on the internet etc… It can be a wonderful mind-opening thing that reminds you that the world isn’t just whatever small town that you live in. It can fascinate and enthral you, it can restore your faith in humanity.
The internet is both of these things at once – a depressing source of jealousy and a mind-opening source of wonder. But, how do you deal with the jealousy in a healthy way?
Well, there are several ways. You can remember that the internet isn’t real life – that you’re only seeing a carefully edited “highlight reel” of what people choose to put on there. You can also look for the good parts of your own life and appreciate them, whilst also realising that the people you’re feeling jealous of might not have these things – like “Yes, these people are playing cool games on Steam… but, if the internet goes out for more than two weeks, I can still play my DRM-free games from GOG“.
You can also do a bit of introspection and learn about yourself as well. Case in point, the night before preparing this article, I’d stayed up to watch two Youtubers stream various horror games. One of those Youtubers was more famous for music than gaming and I was amazed that they also did videogame streaming as well. And, in years past, I would have felt jealous. I would have wished that I was the sort of cool person who could also just casually stream videogames whenever I wanted to. But I know myself better than that.
I know that I’m a lot more confident and articulate in writing than I am in immediate verbal conversations. I know that, when I play games, I like to FOCUS on the game and probably couldn’t handle the distraction of having to entertain an online audience at the same time. I know that I absolutely hate the sound of recordings of my own voice, and would be cringing at it throughout the livestream.
I also know that, unless it’s a freshly-bought game that REALLY fascinates me, I can maybe only play games for an hour or two at a time before I feel like doing something else (so, long livestreams wouldn’t work for me etc...). I could go on for a while. The point is that I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t be able to handle, let alone actually enjoy, being a livestreamer. That, if I tried, it would be an absolute disaster. So, I feel a lot less of the “I wish I could do that!” jealousy that I used to feel.
Most of all, you need to recognise that any comparisons you make between yourself and the internet are stacked against you. You’re seeing carefully-edited, well-practiced highlights that someone has chosen to post online. You’re comparing a tiny, edited fraction of someone else’s life to your extensive knowledge of your own life. It’s setting you up to feel miserable if you make the mistake of comparing these two different things.
And, whilst this tension between jealousy and wonder will always be a part of the internet, you can at least tip the scales more towards wonder if you learn healthy ways to deal with the worst of the jealousy.
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Anyway, I hope that this was useful 🙂
