Well, I thought that I’d talk about diaries and angst today. This was something I ended up thinking about in mid-June whilst watching Youtube late at night and finding myself reacting to several videos I saw. Not in a fun “reaction video” way, but in more of a “paragraph upon paragraph of angst-ridden introspective rambling in my diary” type of way. And, as “cringe” as this probably sounds, it’s actually a good thing for several reasons.
Yes, diaries can sometimes be about just keeping a record of your life but, if you have the privacy, then it is well-worth using it to write down your thoughts and opinions as well. It’s like social media, but without the “social” part, and there’s something weirdly relaxing to this. A space where you can just pour your mind and emotions out onto the page totally honestly, without a single thought about what anyone else might think.
And one of the first good things about this is that it helps you to develop more self-awareness. To actually pay attention to what you are feeling and explain it to yourself. This might sound obvious or basic, but it isn’t something that everyone does. Apparently, it’s somehow actually possible to go through life without doing this. But, when you actually write it down, then you’ll start to notice all sorts of stuff about yourself that you might not if you just tried to ignore it or to stick to traditional thinking.
Another reason is that it’s a genuinely non-judgemental space. Because you’re the only one who will read it, you can express your emotions and opinions in the sort of honest and “messy” way that you probably wouldn’t be able to do online. There can be contradictions, there can be “I don’t know”, there can be cartoonish amounts of expletives and stuff like that. Because you aren’t trying to “make an argument” or write for an audience, you can just sort of let it all out in a level of detail and complexity that you can’t really do in the presence of other people (where you might worry “But what will they think?”).
And there’s something weirdly healthy about this. Just a space of total non-judgemental honesty where you can just blurt out your messy and complicated emotions about any given topic without fear. Where you can just be yourself completely unflinchingly, however weird or complicated this may be. Where things that matter to you, but which would be difficult to explain to other people or might seem “weird” or “off-putting” enough not to mention in conversation, can actually matter. And this feeling can be a surprisingly reassuring and/or life-affirming thing. Like a sort of “I actually matter” type of thing.
Yes, diary-angst often looks “cringe-worthy” if you re-read it days or weeks later. But it usually isn’t meant to be re-read. Its real value lies in the moment when you are actually writing it. When you are ordering your thoughts and emotions, and working out a way to explain them to yourself. When you are just sort of getting emotions out of your system by writing them down for yourself. When you are laser-focused on the present moment, on writing down your thoughts, rather than distracting yourself from them. It’s difficult to describe if you haven’t actually done this before, but it can be surprisingly cathartic.
It’s also like having a conversation with someone who completely understands you as well. There’s no need for appearances or “small talk” or any of that nonsense. You can literally have a meaningful conversation with yourself and, because you’re writing it out in a notebook, it doesn’t look “weird” in the way it might if you talked to yourself aloud. And, yes, I’m one of those weird people who has never been interested in “therapy”. The idea of talking to a total and utter stranger, trained to interpret everything through a framework made by people who don’t even know me, just feels genuinely awkward and unsettling on a billion levels. If you want a situation where I’d be incredibly guarded and nervous about literally every word I said, I can’t imagine a more perfect one.
But, hey, that’s the sort of insight you get from years of diary-writing.
So, yes, there’s a lot to be said for pouring out your emotions into a diary if you have the privacy to do this. It’s a completely honest and non-judgemental space where you can have a meaningful conversation with yourself and often learn a lot in the process. It’s also infinitely better than blurting out your emotions on social media, where other people are likely to critique and/or judge them. Where, because of this, you might feel guarded about what you should or shouldn’t say.
A diary page is a very uncommon oasis of total and utter honesty in this world. And, if you can, it is well worth using it whenever you have complicated thoughts or emotions about anything.
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Anyway, I hope that this was interesting 🙂
