When Revenge Met Horror
Dearly beloved, we’re gathered inside this book and cinema to celebrate the union of these two terrible entities in unholy matrimony. This is a marriage made in hell and officiated by the evil one himself, the mighty Lucifer. So, what an author has joined together, let no reader put asunder. What a director has blessed, let no film critic curse! Nema!
Hello dear readers, my name is Ms. Revenge and I like to think that despite my age (and I’ve lived for more years than you can even comprehend, certainly from the early days of creation when I helped God deal with Adam and Eve for disobeying him; not forgetting helping that same vengeful creator-guy punish Lucifer for his arrogance), I’m still a very alluring female whom many adults, children and even animals, find irresistible; albeit, deadly. I’m what you might call a bit of a mood killer really.
But who cares? Even those who hate me can’t resist me given the right circumstances. And considering my long existence, it won’t surprise you to learn that I’ve had my fair share of relationships, a lot actually. Some of them have been successful-ish, while others… let’s just say they left a lot to be desired. Like who? You really want to know? Alright, be my guest, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I may be beautiful and irresistible, but I’m not very nice as you’ll soon discover. Hell! Nice is boring and I’d rather be evil than plain nice.
Okay, let’s start with some clichéd misconceptions about me. People like to say that I’m best served cold, but how do they know that’s what I’m really like; what I truly want? I blame this on the flimsy myth spread by that dude, Mr. Romance, whom I never really liked much. I won’t even bother talking about that relationship. I mean, how often can I waste my time with another love-rat or another desperado hoping to use me to achieve a mostly bloodless comeuppance against whomever? For instance, some scorned girls used me to bag richer, more-handsome lovers in order to get back at their cheating exes, while this raging guy used me to strike at his enemy by dating the enemy’s daughter! Jesus H. Christ! Boooriiing!! Most of the time, I just found Mr. Romance pretty dull. He didn’t let me shine or display my full deadly potential. Mind you, I know he still fancies me and can’t help stalking me; but, honestly, I’d rather be done with the dude for life. Ha! Revenge is best served cold indeed!
I mean, have the fools checked out my affair with Mr. Crime-Thriller? That guy was hot! On one of our dates, we dined at the famous restaurant, Razorblade Tears, owned by the genius chef, S.A. Cosby. I certainly wasn’t served cold there. Go check out the place. You won’t regret it. Mr. Crime-Thriller and I are still good friends. I confess: my relationships later with both Mr. Crime and Mr. Thriller were actually not bad. How can I forget my date with Mr. Crime at The Godfather Casino, where we enjoyed a sumptuous and bloody dinner with the owner, Mario Puzo? That was one of my ultimate rendezvous with Mr. Crime and I still think about it now and then. Alas, like all my other exes, Mr. Crime also couldn’t accept our breakup and continues to cling to me with desperate grit.
Mind you, I recall an instance when I fell out with my lover at the time, dude that went by the exciting name of Mr Adventure. Like his name, he loved indulging in adventurous stuff and even took me on a date to The Count of Monte Cristo Prison, where the two wardens, Alexandre Dumas and Auguste Maquet, gave us a lovely tour of the nasty place before chucking us out without even treating us to a cup of coffee. Anyway, Mr. Adventure got too adventurous with his affections and so I decided to teach him a lesson—after all I’m not Ms. Revenge for nothing. I made up my mind to go on a date with Mr. Fantasy. This dude had been chasing after me for quite a while; not seriously, but enough for me to know he was very interested. I’ll admit that Mr. Fantasy came really close to stealing my heart. I recall one of our very successful outings where he thought our meal would be Best Served Cold by the chief chef, Joe Abercrombie. For once he was right. This date was so successful that I almost pitched my tent permanently with him. But the guy was too fickle and so caught up in his own fantasy world that I soon ditched him for another eager lover, Mr. Drama!
Mr. Drama! What a ride! What a guy! This dude knew how to turn me on! He knew how much I loved the theatre and always treated me to wonderful performances by one Mr. Shakespeare, who put up some incredible shows like Othello, Hamlet and the truly epic, Titus Andronicus! What a show! Mr. Drama even took me to this awesome remote farmhouse called Wuthering Heights where the owner, Emily Brontë, treated us to some delicious English afternoon tea and shared some dark family history with us.
But alas, like all the others, Mr. Drama turned out to be unsuitable; too much drama, messy family entanglements and so much other distracting stuff that soon made me feel very stifled. In the end, I had to kiss him goodbye and seek redder pastures, like Mr. Sci-Fi and his red planet and obsession with everything out of this world.
Mr. Sci-fi, promised me a Red Rising and a chance to spill a riverful of blood if I agreed to let his good friend, Pierce Brown, join us for our date. I told him I would rather have Xiran Jay Zhao join us and entertain us with their story, Red Widow. Anyway, I was really done with Mr. Sci-fi by this time and wasted little time in ditching him and his far-out pals. But just like the others, this dude wouldn’t let me go and continued to troll me. What can I say? I’m just so irresistible that it’s hard to be humble. In fact, at my wedding (yes, I eventually got married and have remained happily married) I had them play the song, ‘It’s Hard to Be Humble’ by Mac Davis. The musician released that song at the time my future husband was starting to make a real name for himself again, after being relegated to the back-burner for years by less-worthy peers. By the time we married, people had had enough of the rest of the old troupe. My husband was ready to metamorphose and shine and I was ready to hitch a ride and see where it would lead us; and boy, did we shine, shine, shine!
Okay, okay… I’m starting to bore you with all my dating shenanigans and you just want to know who ended up winning my heart. I’m surprised you haven’t guessed by now. But I hear you; don’t be impatient. I’ll tell you all about him now. Just let me entertain you without Robbie Williams distracting us. Switch off that wretched song and I’ll spill the beans now.
Taratantara…ready for this? Boom! It’s the great Mr Horror himself! Yep! I met my twin-flame, Mr. Horror, and married him in unlawful deadly bliss! The great Lucifer officiated our wedding at the Carrie Chapel with Stephen King as our best man. And ten years later, we retook our vows at the Thinner Registry Office down in Maine. Once again, it was attended by our best pal, Stephen King—that guy sure knows how to bring out the best in me.
When I met Mr. Horror, it was like Michael Corleone’s thunderbolt: an instant and sizzling attraction that has kept us chained to each other ever since. I can’t even recall the exact date or circumstances of our first meeting. All I remember is the wild feeling inside me, the all-consuming attraction to this dude and the way he made be dig into a deeper, darker side of me that very few of my exes could achieve. With Mr. Horror, I’ve become a true badass dame; mess with me and I Spit on Your Grave big time. I may not be an Oldboy but together with my fearsome husband, we’re two Inglorious Basterds you’d better not cross. Otherwise, your life will be an exercise in Futility and Nuzo Onoh won’t do jack for you when we go on The Purge; same with James DeMonaco. You’ll be totally Unforgiven and truly Damned.
By the way, if you’re thinking of paying us a visit, we live at The Cabin at the End of the World. Can’t miss it. See you soon.
Futility by Nuzo Onoh
Betrayed by the men in their lives, two women seethe with rage and bitterness. When a trickster spirit offers them the gift of revenge, they cannot resist.
Chia runs one of the best restaurants in Abuja, Nigeria, and is renowned among the male clientele for her captivating beauty and delicious hot pepper soup. But her hot pepper soup has a secret ingredient, and her beauty is not what it seems.
Claire is a 50 year-old British woman living in Abuja with her young Nigerian boyfriend and his beautiful cousin, Shadé. Consumed by jealousy and resentment, Claire’s carefully organised life spirals into chaos after a night out at Chia’s infamous restaurant.
Available at Amazon.
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Nuzo Onoh is an award-winning Nigerian-British writer of Igbo descent. She is a pioneer of the African horror literary genre. Hailed as the “Queen of African Horror”, Nuzo’s writing showcases both the beautiful and horrific in the African culture within fictitious narratives. Nuzo’s works have featured in numerous magazines and anthologies. She has given talks and lectures about African Horror, including at the prestigious Miskatonic Institute of Horror Studies, London. She has also appeared on many radio shows and podcasts, including BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour. Her works have appeared in academic studies and been longlisted and shortlisted. She is a Bram Stoker Lifetime Achievement Award recipient. Nuzo holds a Law degree and Masters degree in Writing, both from Warwick University, England. She is a certified Civil Funeral Celebrant, licensed to conduct non-religious burial services. An avid musician with an addiction to Jungyup and K-indie, Nuzo plays both the guitar and piano, and holds an NVQ in Digital Music Production. She resides in the West Midlands, United Kingdom.
